The Empty Mirror

Today was just one of those days. I woke from a not-so-peaceful sleep with an anxiousness about what I'm doing with my life, the future, career choices, the usual crap that keeps me awake late into the night: "did I choose the right path?" "who have I become?" "where do I go next?" I go through phases when I feel lost and directionless.

Yet, how can you 'find yourself' as the cliche goes, if you never lose yourself in the first place? I've found that losing yourself--everything, stripping yourself of the identity you've lived by for your whole life and just...living--that was the purest freedom I've ever experienced.

Its like the Iliad and the Odyssey. The Odyssey is about losing yourself; The Iliad is about finding your way home.

I felt most lost before leaving for Costa Rica. My last day at my boxing gym, I was saying goodbye to my good friend Bill. He and I often talked philosophy and he would give me life advice. I kept talking about moving West to Montana, but what was tying me to my area was my gym. I felt at 'home' there, I claimed. The last words he spoke to me before I left:

"The empty mirror. If you could really understand that,
there would be nothing left here for you to look for."
7-11-09

It was one of the first entries in the journal I would keep throughout my six months in Costa Rica. And I kept trying to make sense of it. Mirrors...With their capacity to reflect back nearly all incident light upon them and so recapitulate the scene they face, mirrors are like pieces of dreams, their images hyper-real and profoundly fake. Mirrors reveal truths you may not want to see. Give them a little smoke and a house to call their own, and mirrors will tell you nothing but lies. Its not so surprising then that famous philosopher Jorge Luis Borges was absolutely terrified of mirrors.

But what is the Empty mirror?

It was a stormy October night and I was miserably cold in the mountains of Providencia...huddling by a few candles. I could see the shadow of my reflection in the window. In my mind I was thinking about the discussion I had with Shelley earlier about finding your inner child (which of course reminded me of that song, Serenity by Godsmack). I imagined the younger me peeking through the window looking at who I have become. What would that child say? Children have the purest joy, intentions and ambitions that all too often get corroded or molded into what those around them want to see the child become. Would that child be proud of her older self? Or would she scold me for wasting my life?

Mirrors can only reflect the ephemeral present...which is constantly turning into the past. It stagnates you. When we gaze into a mirror, we are all of us Narcissus, tethered eternally to our doppelgänger on the other side. Many months later I asked Bill what the answer was and his response:

"i think i realized you are a tantrika, therefore, you didn't
need spiritual refuge with anyone
(such as dave at ultfit or a b.f. or
family or whatever)
but mind, as such,

mind is the empty mirror...."

In your mind you create the image of who you want to become and hopefully figure out through that what is most important. Strangely, when I returned from Costa Rica, I didn't feel the same dependence on my ultfit boxing gym. Its as though I didn't have anything there left to look for and was able to move on to Missoula. I'm being incredibly indecisive in my choices of what to do next (grad school? med school? other?). For the time being, I think the younger me would want me to chase after the dreams I may never have another chance to pursue later.

As a child, did I ever think I'd be living in Missoula, Montana training for MMA after seeing Costa Rica, Africa, and so much more? No, probably not. Would that little me be proud of that? ....yeah. You know, I think so. I still have quite a lot left here to look for. I need to just worry a bit less and enjoy the amazing opportunities I have right now.

Are you happy where you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

.....

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in
All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames of your wasted life
You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life...

-Counting Crows (Murder of One)