You're Gonna Miss This...

"No matter how miserable you may be right now, just remember...someday, you're gonna miss this. Sometime down the road you're going to look back and try to think of that very worst day you had, the worst pain...and at that moment in the future I bet you anything you would relive that worst day just to be there and have that opportunity again."

Its a mental monologue I've rehearsed to myself several times. And some of you friends, I may have said it to you as you embark on new adventures! I first started thinking this as college wound down to an end...and I felt I was cramming in all these fun experiences I never let myself have into a few short months. I certainly felt it during my three months in Africa. I remember complaining about waking up early for a game drive. What I would give to go on one right now! Especially knowing that isn't an experience any tourist can pay for.

More recently I used it frequently during miserable days in Costa Rica when I was freezing cold in the mountains with no water, light, heat, and bugs crawling all over me swearing I'd give anything to be back home in my nice warm house. At that breaking point (or near to it) I'd have to remind myself that most likely I will miss this experience I'm having someday. Someday I'll look back with a smile as I tell the story. It will have been an experience that shaped my life and made me into a stronger person.

And its so true. What I'd give to go back to one of those miserable nights just to be in that total freedom I had in Costa Rica! Hell...I can't even remember the 'worst' night anymore. Though I had my share of times when "I can't do this" crossed my mind.


I am 5 days out of my first MMA fight right now. For the first time in all the years I've been fighting I hit that wall...that low. I was training with a friend who has been sacrificing a lot of time to help me prepare. I had run for an hour beforehand, sure. I was dead tired. "Over trained" and hungry you might say. My sparring was slow and laborious. He did a takedown, and we grappled on the ground. I knew he was going extra light on me. I was laying there on my back; him in my guard...and it slipped.

"I'm done. I give up."
Those words caught me by surprise. I've gone through tough times and trials, but even if I was at the losing end I'd play it out until the finish.
It was a mental breaking point. I was so frustrated I had given up...so ANGRY at how unprepared I feel with technique coming into the fight...that I just...cried.
Yep, me. Roma, the "badass" fighter.

I know my biggest weakness is my own mind. It doesn't matter how many books you read on it, its still difficult to control those negative, automatic thoughts.

My friend stayed with me and just talked it over. I think I needed that more than another sparring session, jiu jitsu demonstration, or cardio session.

I'm thankful for the friends that have come through and taken care of me. To those who have never prepared for a fight....you run the gamut of emotions. Or at least I do. I'm lucky to have people around me who understand and are there to help me out. (you know who you are ;) )


I just came back from walking my dog. I sat down on a small hill for a while and just watched the snowflakes fall quizzically and cover everything in a blanket of white.

"Roma, someday...you're gonna miss this.
You'll look back one day on your fighting years with a smile....
laugh about your petty worries of making weight or not having enough moves under your belt
and by then you may have a bad back/bad shoulder/ a few more scars,
but you will know you would destroy yourself all over again just to step into
that cage and feel that primal rush when you touch gloves with your opponent.
Win or lose, it takes a certain type of person to step into that ring in the first place..."

Live Dangerously

I'll spare you this (very early) morning a boring log of my workouts. I've just been working my ass off (yes, literally). Every time I tell someone I'm preparing for a fight, I can almost guarantee that the word "danger" gets woven into the conversation.

It is precisely this fear of danger that I think is most damaging to the psyche of people in society--what causes depression, regret, etc. After all, if you're trying to survive in the face of danger, there is no way in hell you're going to be worrying about how someone didn't answer your text or [insert petty annoying complaint here].


The trouble is that for a range of psychological reasons, we tend to worry about the wrong things. It's making us unnecessarily fearful far too much of the time, and it's risking the possibility that we raise the next generation of kids unequipped to deal with the real world.


Sheltered kids becoming adults who are incapable of doing anything without supervision. In fact, human resource professionals have reported an alarming recent trend: parents accompanying kids to job interviews. Not just driving them there, but actually participating in the interview. Businesses attending college job fairs also report an increase in parents filling out job applications for their grown children.

I love fighting for that very element of danger people fear. Every time you go against an opponent, you expose a part of yourself to a challenge. A test of will and discipline. I've found this same exact feeling when doing parkour and urban exploring with my wolfpack.

I believe that there is something about living dangerously that makes you feel more alive. Maybe I'm crazy, but it is my solace to roam the night.

Now, there is obviously a difference between doing something stupid and doing something risky and breath-takingly beautiful. So I encourage you all out there.

Today. Or tomorrow...do something that SCARES you. Maybe as simple as walking through the woods on a moonless night. Leave the country and run away.

Whatever it is. Step out of that comfort zone and revel in that adrenaline rush.

"Live in danger.
Build your cities on the slopes of Vesuvius."
-Nietzsche

Two Weeks

The times seems to have passed very quickly. Its already two weeks before my first MMA fight. Through that time, I've gone through the lows of feeling I'm not ready but now I'm feeling confident. At the very least I know, regardless of the outcome, I did my best to prepare.

I've been told I'm "wasting my time" training.

But you see, time wasted, time lost, time rediscovered, and time regained are the four lines of time. We are mainly within time lost: time which alters persons and things, which makes them pass. I'm working on reveling in the fact that I am here...surrounded by these people...with the opportunity to step into a cage in front of the crowd and begin step one of my dream. Can I ask for anything more?

The past couple days I've been doing cardio and technique mostly. Thanks to Garrett, I've been using the gas mask to make cardio more difficult. Today, I brought it to the Dog Pound and did 3 five minute rounds on the bag also wearing a weighted vest. Jumped rope for 5 minutes as well.

I'm trying to train myself to adapt to lack of Oxygen (ideally mimicking that panicked adrenaline rush I get during a real fight). The other day Marina and I did this circuit:

5 rounds of:
-20 squat jumps
-Bear Crawl down and back following a straight line (harder than it sounds!)
-10 Depth Pushups
-20 Split Jumps
-10 Ab Wheel Roll Outs

I'm heading out to Golds again for workout number 2. Circuit training then finishing with some cardio. I'll update this in a few hours.

The Empty Mirror

Today was just one of those days. I woke from a not-so-peaceful sleep with an anxiousness about what I'm doing with my life, the future, career choices, the usual crap that keeps me awake late into the night: "did I choose the right path?" "who have I become?" "where do I go next?" I go through phases when I feel lost and directionless.

Yet, how can you 'find yourself' as the cliche goes, if you never lose yourself in the first place? I've found that losing yourself--everything, stripping yourself of the identity you've lived by for your whole life and just...living--that was the purest freedom I've ever experienced.

Its like the Iliad and the Odyssey. The Odyssey is about losing yourself; The Iliad is about finding your way home.

I felt most lost before leaving for Costa Rica. My last day at my boxing gym, I was saying goodbye to my good friend Bill. He and I often talked philosophy and he would give me life advice. I kept talking about moving West to Montana, but what was tying me to my area was my gym. I felt at 'home' there, I claimed. The last words he spoke to me before I left:

"The empty mirror. If you could really understand that,
there would be nothing left here for you to look for."
7-11-09

It was one of the first entries in the journal I would keep throughout my six months in Costa Rica. And I kept trying to make sense of it. Mirrors...With their capacity to reflect back nearly all incident light upon them and so recapitulate the scene they face, mirrors are like pieces of dreams, their images hyper-real and profoundly fake. Mirrors reveal truths you may not want to see. Give them a little smoke and a house to call their own, and mirrors will tell you nothing but lies. Its not so surprising then that famous philosopher Jorge Luis Borges was absolutely terrified of mirrors.

But what is the Empty mirror?

It was a stormy October night and I was miserably cold in the mountains of Providencia...huddling by a few candles. I could see the shadow of my reflection in the window. In my mind I was thinking about the discussion I had with Shelley earlier about finding your inner child (which of course reminded me of that song, Serenity by Godsmack). I imagined the younger me peeking through the window looking at who I have become. What would that child say? Children have the purest joy, intentions and ambitions that all too often get corroded or molded into what those around them want to see the child become. Would that child be proud of her older self? Or would she scold me for wasting my life?

Mirrors can only reflect the ephemeral present...which is constantly turning into the past. It stagnates you. When we gaze into a mirror, we are all of us Narcissus, tethered eternally to our doppelgänger on the other side. Many months later I asked Bill what the answer was and his response:

"i think i realized you are a tantrika, therefore, you didn't
need spiritual refuge with anyone
(such as dave at ultfit or a b.f. or
family or whatever)
but mind, as such,

mind is the empty mirror...."

In your mind you create the image of who you want to become and hopefully figure out through that what is most important. Strangely, when I returned from Costa Rica, I didn't feel the same dependence on my ultfit boxing gym. Its as though I didn't have anything there left to look for and was able to move on to Missoula. I'm being incredibly indecisive in my choices of what to do next (grad school? med school? other?). For the time being, I think the younger me would want me to chase after the dreams I may never have another chance to pursue later.

As a child, did I ever think I'd be living in Missoula, Montana training for MMA after seeing Costa Rica, Africa, and so much more? No, probably not. Would that little me be proud of that? ....yeah. You know, I think so. I still have quite a lot left here to look for. I need to just worry a bit less and enjoy the amazing opportunities I have right now.

Are you happy where you're sleeping?
Does he keep you safe and warm?
Does he tell you when you're sorry?
Does he tell you when you're wrong?
I've been watching you for hours
It's been years since we were born
We were perfect when we started
I've been wondering where we've gone

.....

There's a bird that nests inside you
Sleeping underneath your skin
When you open up your wings to speak
I wish you'd let me in
All your life is such a shame
All your love is just a dream
Open up your eyes
You can see the flames of your wasted life
You should be ashamed

You don't want to waste your life...

-Counting Crows (Murder of One)

Etre et Durer

"If you always put limit on everything you do, physical or anything else. It will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." -Bruce Lee-


(waterfall I climbed in Costa Rica. Then flipped down from a tree
into the pool below. Cliff jumping had always been one of
my biggest fears. I remember clinging to that tree for what
seemed like an eternity, but I was at a point of no return since
it was too slippery to go down. So yes, I did it.
...broke my tailbone. ;D)

Twenty-two days until fight day...and I found out last night I'm not fighting the girl I was originally supposed to go up against. For a while, I felt extremely disappointed. I've been training really hard for this and want it. Luckily, Batman (my coach) found me another opponent...who I'm really hoping will not back out last minute. I asked him in between practices one day what my biggest weakness was and he said "your mind. And hitting the bag too much." I tend to overdo it; once I get started I have a hard time stopping. I've always struggled with the mental part of sports through basketball. It took years to erase that automatic thought of "I suck" every time I missed a shot.

The mind defines our limitations. Mind is the greatest prison of all. The best example I can think of is Wolf, one of my wolf-pack parkour friends. He trains with an intensity and duration that can outlast anyone I've known. His gains are incredible despite the doubters who tell him he's doing too much or cannot do it without x, y, or z.

(shamelessly stole these off of Wolf's facebook)

Its kinda funny, really because when a child is born they know nothing. They are bound by nothing and anything is possible. Only as they grow they learn to accept laws, rules and restrictions imposed by man and nature.

"Etre et durer"...a David Belle quote known in the parkour community (translates to: "to be and to last"). This is that pure mindset of the child who only instinctively tries to just simply exist in the present moment, not concerned about past or future because these concepts are not real until taught by society. Time and the philosophy of it is one of my favorite philosophical topics. I'm sure I'll have an entry dedicated to that later. Anyhow. You are the only one who can put limits on what you can do. Realistically, sure, take advice from people but if you pay close attention to your body and how you're feeling you will instinctively know when to back off or increase the intensity. Maybe that's why I like this escalating density training program. You aren't prescribed x amount of reps in y sets. Rather, you do as many reps as YOU can do in a set amount of time.

Regardless, as Jory said, "stay fight ready." I'm not easing back on the training at all. That way, I'll be ready to fight within days notice if need be.

This morning my dog woke me up around 4am and there was no going back to bed for me. Walked the dog, then did a 45 minute run before going to Golds.

The night before I did a lot of powerlifting:
-Overhead Squat
-Deadlifts
-Cleans
-Clean and press
-pushup and pullup supersets to total 100 and 50 respectively.
I didn't count reps or keep time...but I know I spent about an hour doing all sorts of lifts. Oh yes, I remember why...I didn't get much of a workout in at the Dog Pound that morning.

Three of our pro fighters were having their last day in the gym to get ready, so understandably I didn't jump in for more than a couple rounds with a few other guys.

Ok, back to today. After my run, I went to Gold's.
10 sledgehammer swings on tire/arm
flip tire down and back
x 10 reps
Then miscellaneous work on kipping
I didn't spar at 10 AM practice. Instead, just worked on my kicks. Well, kick singular. The right shin healed up better than the left. I felt solid doing them today. My friend Brooke came down to check out the Dog Pound at 11! She picked up boxing pretty fast. Its always fun to see my friends try it out and love it. Like my friend Hana who is out in New York. I never thought she would consider trying boxing, but one summer evening she told me she was taking classes and enjoyed it! at 12pm I did ground and pound. Felt a bit weak today, but still did alright. Going to head back around 5 I think. pm. Not quite sure what my workout will be yet. I'll update this later.

Ikigai

Ikigai is a japanese word for a raison d’être. In English, roughly it translates to something important one lives for. There seems to be something about human nature that reduces life to a routine. I'm guilty of it as well, but my fault is also that when I get honed in on a goal I lose a sense of balance. I don't spend as much time as I should catching up with friends and family at times. But, like anything else, it cycles. And at least I recognize that, and those who know me do not take offense to my withdrawal. Having a goal to work towards is also my way of staving off sadness or loneliness. On a side-note, in Chicago right now they are getting Thunderstorms. Its supposed to be one of the top 5 worst storms in history! I wish I was there to see it...

I'm going to keep this entry short, because I'm working on what I hope to be a really good, thought provoking one to post within a day or two.

Both AM and PM workouts were at the Dog Pound

Morning:

10AM: Clinch. Matt noticed I was a bit weak at the morning practice. Well, I ran four miles (9ish minute pace with inclines) and only had 6 oz of blueberries before practice.
12PM: Ground and Pound

5PM: Came back for Matt's jiu jitsu class. I really like this one because for an entire hour he goes over technique step by step. That helps a lot and gives me some confidence in jiu jitsu.

I stayed a bit later and talked with Travis and Scott and Michelle until they left. I often like to workout alone. Its a very personal...almost meditative experience for me. I also like the silence when nobody is there.

Here was my nightly finisher:

To be honest...a few times I erased that "5" into a "3"...I had to think about what I wanted and how much I was willing to suffer to get it.It is impossible to achieve the aim without suffering

Tomorrow, I'm getting up extra early. I'm devising a daily, straight out of bed mini workout to wake me up then I'll head to Gold's before practice.

24 days until fight day!